I Can't Say It...

Why does the word 'Toilet' make me giggle and want to hurl at the same time?

Embracing this lovely culture has been a piece of cake.

Embracing…I’m all about it.
Especially when it has to do with a tall, strong man.
You know what I'm sayin' Marlene?

However...taking a stab at British potty language is something that I'll embrace not.

“Toilet”…I just can’t say it.
Does it sound super dirty to you?...or is it just me...being super unreasonable?

"Excuse me, where is the restroom?"…that’s what I say…and I am an American.
I know that that sounds so totally, like, American and all like…but just let me be on this one.

Go ahead and grab a brown bagger...here’s some not-so-lovely British potty talk:

“I’m going to use the toilet.”

“I need to take a wee.”

“I’m going to take a Jimmy Riddle.” (seriously?)

“I need to pee.” straight up…pee...like my five year old nephew says.

Shout Out to Visitor Number Two: Sara

I like the idea of this shout out thing.
Maybe if I guarantee a shout out per visitor...I'll get, like, a load of visitors.

Done.

I officially guarantee every visitor a shout out...on this here blog...
that only Mike and Marlene read daily.
Wow...impressive.
I think I'll just stick to eggs and toast.

On to Sara...

What would you do if everything that you owned was being relocated across several states...and then you received a phone call saying that the moving truck carrying all of your possessions was stolen?...

"FU...NNAANAA..I'm going to London."

And so she did...without the need to check any luggage.
God Bless her.

* Sara and I were two (of three) girls from Texas Tech who studied abroad in Florence together. Re-living the euro-crazy-what-the-hell-moments...what a great time we had!

Email Subject Line...

...only in England.

London Trend Report 2008

From taut glossy spandex to concentrated primaries, the streets of London were all about experimentation for summer 2008.

Londres

Here's some of my pics from London...the greatest city in the world. I'll be sure to get the rest up soon!

Off to London for the Baaaank Holiday Weekend...

The sheep understand the people better than me...

I'm on a diet.

An English chocolate diet.

Once upon a time I was a vegetarian (for, like, eight years). After my days of OM were destroyed by the sweet smell of my best friend Becky’s lemon chicken, meat suddenly became the nucleus of my diet.

I’d wake up in the morning and think…

what do I want for breakfast?
…C H I C K E N

What do I want for lunch?
…C H I C K E N

I’m pleased to say that my chicken addiction is now under control and I’ve found serenity in something else…something sexier…
English Chocolate.

Calm down, Marlene, I haven’t found myself a new man…I’ve discovered this crazy amazing candy bar called CRUNCHIE.

Description: Milk chocolate with golden honeycombed centre . Crunchie is marketed as "The fun, feel good chocolate bar"…and let me tell you there are no letdowns there.

Why is my heart beating really fast?...because I want me some Crunchie.

I’d trade a make out for a Crunchie any day...for real.

Money in the Bank

Dear Father Jesus,
I know I prayed for You to send me down a sugar daddy to eliminate the pain of the British pound raping my bank account. Thank you for not answering my prayers. I’m just not ready for a real-live man in my life and You are totally cognizant of that.
Hallelujah. Thank You for the sun. Amen.

…and Amen to Hallmark for yo yo uh...money in the bank. Alas, today was PAYDAY.

I'm thinking of writing a book.

How to Survive in England for Forty+ Days on Worthless Money

1 British Pound = 1.97 US Dollars…ouch.

Tasteless meal ideas:
slice of bread lightly sprayed with butter flavored PAM, generic peanut butter and pretzels, sunny-side-up egg on top of brown rice, PBJ on ASDA graham crackers (biscuits), canned soup with leftover rice

Dessert: Heat milk. Add leftover rice. Stir in one teaspoon sugar. Sprinkle with cinnamon (if available). Enjoy!

Here’s an idea of what things cost over in these here parts…
• $40 = Two days worth of internet access at the IBIS Hotel. I’m pretty sure that’s more than the room is worth.
• $2400 = Deposit on Flat + 1st months rent
• $80 = Two bottles of Vodka, ice, cab ride to the grocery store
• $50 = Cab ride home after a night out in Leeds (last train is at 11:20pm)

Dear Father Jesus,
I take that back. I think I may need You to reconsider the whole sugar daddy status thingie that we discussed earlier.

York-tastic!

I'd like to give a shout out to my very first visitor...Karl.
Mr. Frick arrived by bus on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I was there to collect him sporting sopping sweats and frizzy hair. Classy.

York was our Sunday destination. I walked around with my mouth wide open...and yes, that was before the fish and chips.

Click 'York' link on right to see the full set of pics.

the K

totally England.

Shambles Street

look right.

Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors

Catholic Church

York Minster

charming

Clifford's Tower

city wall

couple in front of York Minster

Party Pics

'thank you' email from one of the Brits...classic.

Hi Angie and Mary Beth,

Thanks very much indeed for inviting me to your American party - I really enjoyed it, And thanks for introducing me to Ants on a Log, peanut butter and jello sandwiches and of course vodka jelly shots...

Fun times in Saltaire until 3:30am...
Hostess-ez with the mostess-ez

My very first "Chavey" drink aka... "White trash" drink (ie. MGD, Natural Light)


Margarita Virgins...makin' love with the margaritas

Friday = Mary Beth & Angie's American Party

God bless America.
And God bless the Mexicans for bringing chips and salsa, enchiladas, and margaritas over to the states. My right leg just shook a little as I typed that out. Yum.
Mexican food is one: not Mexican
and two: no bueno en la UK.

Goal: Find some Englo-Mexicans and befriend them ASAP.

Angie, my Hallmark America compadre, and I put our heads together to come up with a list of random American appetizers and drinks to serve at our Par-Tay.

“Hi. What can I get you to drink? How 'bout a jell-o shot there Big Boy.”

Menu
Beverages: margaritas, sangria, jell-o shots
Munchies: chips and salsa, BBQ chicken sliders, mini PB-J sandwiches, ants on a log, spinach and artichoke dip, baked brie w/ caramelized walnuts and brown sugar, shrimp cocktail, meatballs...big meatballs...(meatballs is such a great word) and, yes...better-than-sex cake.

pictures and stories likely to follow...

Blond Moments

Thank you to my supportive friend, Jill, for nominating me Most Likely to Have a Blond Moment.

Breath.

No, seriocley, I’m ok.
Crap, I just spelled seriously wrong.

I went from being confused in the US to completely clueless in the UK. Outside of not being able to understand people…that not only causes me to feel blond but deaf as well…I have had some big time "blond moments" in this country. How long have I been here?

Top 4 Blond Moments:
Note: Mike and Marlene, this is not something that you’re going to want to print out and post with pride on the refrigerator.

1. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I walk down the canal and see some men (all suited up the way I like ‘em. RAWR.) playing ball in the park. After twenty blissful minutes of white, tight pants, I give in and ask the couple close-by…”I feel really dumb for asking this, but what sport are they playing?” They look at each other, smile, and say, “Rugby.” Nice people…for real.
Oh my God...I hope I never see them again.

2. Same walk. Same canal. I stop an elderly man, point up the hill and ask, “Excuse me sir…is that a castle?” and his non-animated response, “No. (silence) It’s a church…(dumbass)”.

3. Hello Marks & Spencer! Where’s the freaking restroom? I decide to ask the clerk.
Clerk: “2nd Floor”
Me: “Ahhh…thanks so much!”
I’m pretty sure I walked around the “2nd floor” for thirty minutes before realizing…drr...I’m in England…the ground floor in England is zero, so “floor 2” really means “floor 3” and so on and so on. Jacked up.

4. I scheduled a meeting to open a bank account on the same Friday that we had a team research trip set up in Manchester. I forgot to call the bank to cancel…no biggie, right? On the drive to Manchester two of my dear teammates, Neil and Emma, ask me if I cancelled the appointment. I’m thinking…shoot…I should’ve done that. Emma turns around with her mouth wide open and says with grave concern, ”You didn’t? Oh, Mary Beth, you know that in England when you do that it goes against your credit and no bank will accept you after that.” I was nearly about to pee my pants out of fear…the bloody liars.

I'd like to give a shout out to all the blondie's out there. God bless you.

This is the "Castle" slash Church (below)

I'm seeing doubles...

I've been in the UK for four weeks now and I've come to the conclusion that everyone in England has a celebrity look-alike. I've seen Prince Charles (like six times), William, Harry, Hillary Swank's ex Chad Lowe and lots of other little randoms walking around.
Promise I'm not smoking the crack...(see below)

Here's a few illustrators from the Hallmark Bath studio and their celebrity doubles:

Ladies, say hello to Sean Connery

Rachel Ray

Charlie O'Connell

...and Philip Seymour Hoffman


crazy, right?

Bath

I've been in Bath these past two days to have a look at the Hallmark illustration studio here. Here's some of my observations. More on this later.

Observations:
* Don't call a fanny pack a fanny pack...(Google 'fanny' in England)
* When the sun is out, it takes English people five minutes to burn
* Asian tourists look the same whatever country you're in
* English birds quack out an angry witch cackle
* Girls wear boots...even in warm weather
* Everyone looks like Prince Charles

Survivor of the Shipley Double Decker Bus Crash

Please read below before watching the clip...



I went out to Leeds on Saturday and met up with a friend for dinner and drinks. Due to the trains being serviced, I didn't have any other option than to take a bus.

The drive there was absolutely breathtaking. Back road pubs and beautiful countryside that scream...this is England.

Overall, it was a great night out. I experienced my very first Indian curry...curry virgin no more.

The last bus to Shipley was taking off at 11:20pm. In line waiting for the bus to arrive, I ended up talking to a group of girls who had been out celebrating.

Kay: "Oh my God!!! She's American! She's from Daaallas, Texaaaas."
"Duuude. Whatevvver. Like, totally. Do I sound like...what do you call it?"
Me: "A valley girl?" "Yes."

As you can imagine, it was an entertaining ride home to say the least.

However, the amusing entertainment came to a crunching halt when the double decker bus decides to go underneath a low bridge with a sign that clearly states, “NO DOUBLE DECKER BUSES”

Above is the video that Kay took LIVE from the scene of the crash.

•Warning: This video contains vulgar language that would be offensive to both Marlene and Grandma. I do not condone this type of language and apologize in advance.

UK Hallmark Hotties

Ladies (and Gents...if you're into that), after two weeks of intense mansearch, I would like to introduce to you a fine selection of UK Hallmark Hotties:
We have Nathan, Simon, Matt, Tom, Rob, Neil, Allen, and Joe.

There are more that I’ve spotted around the building…just haven’t figured out where they all sit yet.

How do you break the ice with a reserved British bloke?
Stick a big camera with a telephoto lens in his face.

“I’ve never met a woman who is so forward.”

Me…boy crazy?
Whatever.

Mansearch mode to cold, hard research, I took the "Are you boy crazy quiz" on teenadvice.com

Results: Your score is 45. You're stuck in the middle, you like boys but they don't haunt your every breathing moment. You can do things without thinking about boys, you feel good about yourself whether a boy is around or not and you don't let everything boys do, say or don't do stress you out. Bravo, you have achieved balance!

Healthy...not crazy.