Dear Father Jesus,
Remember when I was five and gleeked a mouthful of chocolate milk onto Brendan D.’s face to let him know how much I liked him? Yeah…I was smooth. I really wish those games still worked out for me the way they did in kindergarten. Please help me blossom, baby Jesus, both in maturity…and maybe a lil’ up top as well...if it’s not too much trouble. Hallelujah. Thank You for the girls I DO have…small as they may be.
Amen.
So…
There’s this boy that I see around from time to time.
He’s tall, attractive, shy (?), and strong...very strong.
My eyes met his guns on a Thursday afternoon and by Friday morning,
he had earned himself the nickname: Jonny Big Guns
(please keep in mind, there has been zero interaction between myself and JBG)
Attempt #1: Drawing Strong, Attractive, English Boy a Picture
I decided to break Jonny Big Guns mystery man status by drawing him a picture.
After all, I have some serious drawing skills.
It was a portrait of JBG (+ six pack) posing gracefully with nunchucks and a Chinese star.
I wrote Jonny Big Guns up top.
On the paper, that is…not my chestal region.
He emailed me back and said that it looked like a blind kid with no arms drew it.
(insert stab in the heart here)
Attempt #2 Sending Hot, English Bloke a Valentine’s Day Song Card
English people are funny about Valentine’s Day.
i.e. You would never send a valentine to anyone other than a lover.
I totally got the creepy-old-man-look from the gentleman at the post office when he saw that I was sending ten valentines overseas.
JBG’s Valentine’s Day Card Description:
Silhouetted couple making out on the cover
Lengthy, emotional copy
"Stand By Me" starts to play when you open it.
My personal, heartfelt message:
Dear Jonny Big Guns,
I’m so grateful for all the quality time that we’ve spent together…just you and me.
Remember that conversation that we had one time when I said, “hey” and you said, “hey” back?
Quality. I feel like I can tell you anything.
Happy Valentine’s Day to the Strongest Man in the World.
Love, Mary Beth
No English lovin' in return.
Sad.
Ladies and Gentleman, my game has officially gone.
And…my roots are showing.
15 comments:
scarte5 says:
fret not young lady. you're fabulous!
;)
well then Johnny Big Guns is surely not worthy of your attentions? am sure your mystery men will help alleviate the pain :)
dear JBG,
your loss, man.
**
dear MB,
you're hilarious, even in your vulnerability.
=+)
ps - i deleted the last comment because i missed a typo
Hi Lurker here, have you read The Anglo Files by Sarah Lyall? She's American and landed and English bloke, perhaps you might look at it for tips. :)
i keep trying to tell myself that :)
i'll have to give that book a read...i need all the tips i can get!
Yes, do, do! Here's a bit I copied from it myself, like you, I have English man dreams:
"British men do not always think American women are so great either. They regard us as noisy, forward, unsubtle, unironic, neurotic, and far too much work. They recoil at our efforts to get them to talk about their feelings."
When I read that I was all, what?!?
So maybe English guys aren't so great. I mean, an accent will only get you so far, you know! :)
P.S. I think you're lovely, so JBG clearly is not on at all.
"noisy, forward, unsubtle, unironic, neurotic, and far too much work."
good god...i didn't leave any of those out, did i?
thanks so much for that...i laughed out loud when i read it!
"He emailed me back and said that it looked like a blind kid with no arms drew it."
He fancies you!
Ariel and I agree that this Johnny Big Guns has yet to see the potential in your resilient sense of humor... obviously he doesnt realize that there is not a lot left to be desired when you have a woman that can make you laugh and fall in love with one simple portrait. Ariel says you should walk up to him and show him what you have to offer. If that doesnt work, we agree you should give up and come back to L107, we miss you too much!
is that right alan? hmm...so he's playing the five year old game right back. is that how english blokes win the ladies?
mary, tell ariel she gives some great advice...
although, 'showing him' what i have to offer is a bit concerning...i'm not sure how i feel about that ;)
OK. I love this post. I've no idea how much of this you make up just to entertain, but I'd pay to see the movie of the life you write about.
sadly gti, this is a true story...every last bit of it.
i'm not good at a lot of things, but there are two things that i am really great at:
1. creating awkward situations
and...
2. entertaining myself
no.1 always gets me to the latter
Lovely Mary Beth, I always love your posts, you make me laugh, and I relate in so many ways. You remind me a little of my friends back in the states. Thanks!
JBG was lucky to have your affections. Although, I do agree with Alan that if a northern British man insults you, he is at least complimenting you.
I STILL love this post. LOL it's a classic!
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