Tour of Scotland

I’m going to begin this Tour of Scotland by telling you about the most beautiful thing my big brown eyes have ever seen…the men. Rougher than their softer, southern neighbors, Scottish men are rugged and manly. Arr.

Seriously, I didn’t see one man in skinny jeans and/or white Keds the entire weekend.

Scotland Recap:

• Edinburgh…stunning city! Angie and I stayed in the Ritz Hotel (not to be confused with The Ritz), another stunner. Hello Grandma’s house in Savannah, Georgia circa 1980. The carpet was like a stale, pink, lake house towel. Rococo slash country fluff design style. Giant Scottish bear upon entering. Bizarre.

• I spy kilts!

• “Wee little…everything.” (and I’m not referring to anything that is in or around the kilts)

• Haggis…yeah…sounds delicious, but I’m going to have to pass.

• Special Report: No monsters in the Loch. Boo.

• Drunken train fight on the way home involving vodka, cops, Pringles, and hair gel. Awesome.


“I wonder what making out with a Scottish man would be like.” –MB

“It’d be really, really, really nice. I think they’d be more sensitive than the average guy.” -Angie

“Really? Why is that?” –MB

“Because they’re used to the beauty of the outdoors.” –Angie

Off to Scotland for the Bank Holiday Weekend...

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Two words...KILTS & YUMMY
See you all on Tuesday!

I Often Wonder if I was a Crack Baby...

That would be a yes...according to my kindergarten masterpiece.
I'm resembling a pre-adolescent Courtney Love and responding to questions in a trippy way.

I've been telling my mom for years that she needs to lay off the crack.

OMG It's Justin Timberlake!

...well, kinda.
More of a mix between Justin and Ryan Gosling.

I told him that he was bringing Sexy Back to Leeds.
Smooth, huh?

Note to self: When taking pictures of strangers on the street, always have your camera out and ready. Otherwise, smooth turns into clumsy and awkward.

Weekend Surprise

...I love surprises.

Some days start off crappy, others…decent, and sometimes magic things happen that cause you to light up for the rest of the weekend.

I’m still lit.

My book slash wine club back in Kansas City, sent me a massive box (that cost way too much to ship! Really gals…) full of yummy American treats, books, and my three favorites: a patriotic guardian angel pin, Hallmark crown-shaped paperclips, and…a white plastic sheep toy. Classic.

We called ourselves the Cheetos and always had them available to eat at every gathering. The Cheeto girls are an extremely unique book club…you see, no one ever actually finishes the books that we set out to read, but we always had a great time drinking wine and trying to talk about them…

(insert cheesy Amy Grant song about friendship here)
You girls are the greatest.

ps. if you haven’t had Cheetos in over two years, go and buy a bag...you’ll fall in love with them all over again…and your body will hate you for it. I still feel like a fatty after the mini bag I devoured last night.

American Population in Shipley…On the Rise

Meet Mary (center) and Susan (right).

That’s correct…two more Americans unearthed in Shipley-town.
That brings our population to a whopping…six.

I met Susan through a friend at my apartment complex a few weeks back. She’s been out here for five years working on her PHD at the University of Bradford. Mary is out here doing research for the University of Leeds and is soon-to-be married to her English lover man. She stumbled upon American Crumpet, wrote me a funny email, and asked if I wanted to meet up for a drink. I said, “Sure!” before bearing in mind that Mary could, very well, turn out to be Chester the Molester.

Being the smart girl that I am (sans PHD), I let my work neighbors know where I was headed and told them,
“So…if I’m not in tomorrow and you hear about some American chick who was speared and thrown into the canal…please…come and get me.” (so not funny...I know)

It's Friday and I'm alive…with two brand new American friends!

Threats from English Kiddies

My friend Emma and her hubby received an interesting letter in their mail slot not too long ago.

It reads like so…

I suggets you ring this number before I ring the
police about your drug supplier and taking
within 24 hours ---> at 8:00pm

What's even more funny, is that Emma was in a panic for 24 hours before she realized that this was a prank...a poorly executed one at that.

For all the kiddies out there...no more drug taking and supplying. Ya hear me?

Leg Exposure in Leeds

Hmm...I think I know why I'm having a difficult time attracting the gents. The competition is fierce!

I Feel So…Special

A year and a half of living overseas has generated more entertaining slash embarrassing incidents than I could have ever imagined. Repeatedly mistaking churches for castles, having to ask people to slow down when they’re speaking…English…to me, learning how to eat properly…you know, cutting with your left hand instead of having to switch it over to the right? I got called out and haven’t pulled a switch-a-roo since. Still bitter.

Yesterday, I walked past a bloke on my way to the grocery store.
We made eye contact…like, the kind of eye contact that you can’t really call eye contact because there was barely any contact at all.

He said, “Ya alright pet?”

I immediately thought to myself…timeout, did he just call me... pet?
Yes. Yes he did. Wow. Funny…kinda.

After a prolonged and confused delay, my response was supposed to be “yep”...only it sounded more like a “yelp”. How appropriate.

I'm now 100% positive that English boys have less game than I do.

Let's get this Weekend Crackin'!

Amen for Friday's! Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

Dude, Every Way You Turn…

…it’s utterly heinous.

Daring nonetheless.

Have I Mentioned That I've Started Seeing Someone?...

I love him.

Hottie Rob and I play a game on Tuesdays called...It's Lisp Tuesssday!
Bas(th)ically, we have s(th)timulating convers(th)ations about pretty much everything...mostly s(th)exy s(th)tuff. Just becaus(th)e it s(th)ounds s(th)o much s(th)exier with a lis(th)p.

Weirdest Weekend Trip to Date: The Robin Hood Festival in Sherwood Forest

Our day began bright and early.
Cloudless blue skies and camera-in-hand, we made our trek down to Nottingham…for none other than the Robin Hood Festival. Arrr.

Angie and Kendra had been planning this trip for some time.
I, on the other hand, just tagged along for kicks.
...and a strange day it was my merry men.

Shipley Clock Tower...6:50am

Angie, Kendra and I giving our best Robin Hood face

Beautiful Retford train stop

Hooray for Robin Hood!

Make your own pot and keep it...F O R E V E R

Angie with scary swamp man

Excuse me, I'm going to need this...

Storyteller in the woods

How About Some Henna & Indian Dinna'?

...Yes please.

My sweet friend from work, Alpa, invited Angie and myself to a henna gathering at her auntie's house.
The gang was getting all glammed up for her cousin's upcoming wedding.

So...

Have I told you how I kinda wish I was born in India?
(Don't freak out Marlene...it washes away in two weeks)



my lovely henna artist, Mo


Indian sweets. I have no clue what this business actually is...but it's friggin' amazing.

Mike & Marlene's European Adventure Has Come to an End

Trip Highlights:

• Dad never grasping the fact that he’s spending pounds in England…not euros.

• Mom getting abandoned at Kings Cross

• Mom trying to use the European converter in London
I had to remind her that we’re still in England…several times over.

• Dad driving a manual for the first time in 30 years…we stalled it well over ten times

• Mom ordering dinner in Munich
Imagine a sweet older lady with a Giant Plate o’ Meat in front of her. Sausages, wienerschnitzel, the whole nine yards. When the kids ask what happened to Wilber, tell them it was all Marlene’s fault.

• Dad speaking German to the taxi driver. Impressive.

• Marlene’s lackluster travel journaling
Pretty much all it includes is every single meal we ate…in unnecessary detail.